(This is a satire. It is not to be taken seriously and I do not condone this system actually being utilized. The use of any medical treatments without the guidance of a professional medical practitioner can be dangerous. The distribution of prescription drugs by those not licensed to do so is also illegal. It would also put a great many very nice people out of business. That said…)

Want Effective Medical Treatments Quickly and Inexpensively?

No calls to your doctor or office visits required.

Before you become skeptical or think this is another one of those magic bullet promises please read this in entirety.

This is not a commercial promotion. It is not a ploy to get you to purchase the latest sea scum treatment, a new extra strength magnetic defunculator, or a recruitment to have margaritas at a south of the boarder dispensary. It is not an effort to convince you to personally subsidize the impoverished pharmaceutical industry, or a solicitation for the HMO Harry and Louise established when they realized the Republicans knew where the money is.

Its implementation has never been considered for integration into a national health care system. It could offer medical care at significantly reduced cost to consumers while eliminating the insurance industry from its self imposed pivotal role in your life. It would greatly facilitate getting the government and doctors out of the health care business.

This system is not sanctioned by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association, the Pharmaceutical Association of America, the American Association of Insurance Underwriters, or the Public Health Department. Need I say more?

Now that you know what it isn’t let me tell you what it did for me and can do for you.

I had grown very frustrated at the lengthy time it took to see physicians and reading all the dog-eared magazines in the waiting rooms. I made endless trips to the pharmacy only to be told that my prescriptions were not ready, and danced with the insurance company way too often. For all that the health care system had to offer, I had spent an inordinate amount of time, energy and money without getting any healthier. Then a letter came introducing me to Chain Health Services (CHS). I too was skeptical, but desperation drove me to giving it a try. That was a month ago. Now I received all my medications and medical supplies delivered to my door at no cost. As an additional benefit I’ve met a lot of wonderful people and gotten a lot of treatment advice. Now I want to share these benefits with others.

Instructions:
1. Go to your medical cabinet and get out 5 prescriptions, medical supplies, or health related pieces of paraphernalia you are no longer use. Send one item to each person on the enclosed list. Also enclose a friendly note and offer related advice. In this way you are offering a medical service. Chain Health Services is a “service,” so you need not worry about Title 18,h sections 1302 NS 1341 of the Postal Lottery Laws that regulate the use of postal services for chain letters.

2. Eliminate the top name on the list (number 1). Move all the names up one and add your name and address to the bottom of the list (number 5).

3. With your name added, send the list and these instructions to 15 people. You are now in the Chain Health Services mail order business.

4. Within a few weeks you will receive all the prescriptions, medical supplies, and health related pieces of paraphernalia you could possible need. Retain a copy of these instructions in case you need any more in the future.

5. Keep a list of all those who send you items. Such a list can be a valuable resource and you can actually sell the names to brokers for extra profits.

Note:
Retain a copy of every letter you send or receive. They will be proof that you are providing a service in case the IRS, Post Office, or other government approach you. Odds are they won’t though since they will be so pleased that you are contributing to this revolutionary approach to health care for all.

Remember:
Chain Health Services can only succeed if you participate. Feel proud that you have been able to do more for advancing health care services than the 103rd and 104th Congress was able to. Please do your part now to become a member of this growing movement. Help return health care to the consumers.

1. Laura Inklesdorf
126 N. Templeton Rd.
Tucson, Az 86024

2. Jeff Brooks
18 Dove Terrace
Seattle, WA 76486

3. Ellen Dickson
42 Hilltop Lane #15
Witchita, KS 61720

4. Donna Finch
84 Riverbottom La.
Richmond, VA 21808

5. Andrew Bates
240 Sandbar Rd.
Duluth, MS 49123

The following testimonials are from satisfied participants in the Chain Health Services system.

Dear Chain Health Services participants,
For many years I had been a very frustrated consumer of traditional health care services. All it did for my was add to my medical problems and drain my bank account. While I have had to driving an 8 year old Yugo the chief executive officer of my HMO drives a brand new Porsche.

Then I tried the alternative route. When I asked my insurance company if they would cover dandelion root suppositories and a magnetic repolarization healing chamber the line went dead. I had to sell my Yugo. I then became a distributor of some all natural products and told lots of people how much they helped me. I think it was really all the walking I was doing until my feet got too soar and I had to stay at home. Finally I became a telephone solicitor, but that was a big improvement because less people hated me and thanks to my insurance company I was accustomed to be hung up on.

Finally a friend introduced me to Chain Health Services. Now I get all the health care products I need for free, but that’s not the best of it. I’ve had to lease a warehouse and I have a lucrative business selling health care products to all the local hospitals. And the chief executive officer of my old HMO gets really miffed when I pass him in my red Ferrari.

Thank you to all those who have taken part in the Chain Health Services system. If anyone considering participating in Chain Health Services wants to speak to me please feel free to call me at the New England Polo Club in Prides Crossing, Massachusetts.

Very sincerely,
Always smiling

To whom it may concern,
For many years I had direct deposit for my payroll check. It didn’t go to the bank at all — it went to my medical insurance company and all those I had purchased medical products and services from. When Mastercard called me to say that my account was past due I told them Blue Cross was supposed to be sending me a reimbursement check and they could call there. The woman laughed and said, “No. They leave everyone on hold the same way we do.” I said, “We can practice what you preach” and left her on hold. I tried 18 more doctors and 74 more treatments before the bank cut me off.

Then one day a letter came about Chain Health Services. I didn’t believe it. I’ve wallpapered my bedroom with all the lottery tickets that never won. A month later some else sent me the same thing. I figured why not; I had several things that had never helped my medical problems. Not long after I sent out my old pills and my letters I was getting every treatment I had ever wondered about. I also started selling my list of names to yacht brokers, vacation clubs, and other lucrative companies. Mastercard now calls me asking if I want a gold card.

Very grateful,
Dan Blake

Dear Friends,
Not long ago I had spent almost an entire afternoon in a waiting room for a 10 minute check up with my doctor, Dr. Dandy. Finally I was brought into an examination room. As the Dr. Dandy whisked in and out some papers fell from his pocket. I picked it up and the first one was about Chain Health Services. The second one was a newsletter about gold futures and the third one was a letter to the hospital about his taking early retirement. I knew he couldn’t be doing that well as a proctologist. When I asked him about it he smiled and said his new career was very much the same, only that it wasn’t patients he was sticking it up the rear end to, but the medical system. He said the income and perks were a lot better and he wouldn’t have to see any more patients.

I decided to scope it out. Sure enough, I found several other very healthy wealthy people who are part of Chain Health Services. I can’t say I have gotten rich from Chain Health Services yet, but I am able to play golf every Tuesday afternoon with Dr. Dandy and tennis on Thursday mornings with him. What’s really nice is that I now get to see him for more than 10 minutes at a time and he never tells me to bend over. Well, not for the same reason.

Thank you Chain Health Services
Jennifer Thompson

To whom it may concern:

This chain letter was started by a person like yourself, in the hope that it might bring relief and a bit of fun to other people afflicted with CFIDS/FMS.

Unlike most chain letters, this letter doesn’t cost anything. Simply send a copy of this letter to five other PWCs who’s lives have become equally dull and who are of the same sex as yourself. Then bundle up your spouse or significant other and send him/her to the person whose name is at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of it.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 6,478 companions … some of them will be dandies!

Have faith – do not break the chain. One person broke this chain and got his spouse back!

Sincerely,
Another exhausted PWC

P.S. At the time of this writing, a friend of mine received 163 lovers. Boy did she have a CFIDS flare! They buried her yesterday, but it took 6 undertakers 4 hours to get the smile off her face.

If you are a single PWC in search of establishing a relationship with another PWC here are a few pointers.

Make up some permanent paint transferable tattoos and refrigerator magnets with your name, address and phone number to give to other PWCs. Business type cards are great, but they get lost. And never expect a PWC to rely on memory. Permanent tattoos and refrigerator magnets stay where they are although one’s skin and refrigerator may get rather crowded if you are lucky enough to have much of a social life. The tattoos can also be tough to read if you experience considerable weight gain or loss. Because of this you may wish to offer both the tattoos and magnets. I’ve got one high functioning PWC friend who now has 14 refrigerators to hold all his magnets.

Try making frequent appointments with a physician who is a CFS specialist. They may not be much more successful in treating your symptoms, but their waiting rooms are great places to meet other PWCs.

When in a medical setting here are a few tips for winning the heart of a PWC. Lines such as, “would you like me to go to the phlebotomy lab for you,” or “want me to take the MRI for you,” are bound to win points. Never ask questions that rely on memory such as, “what day is it,” or “where do you live.”

Carry a few extra of those chemical cold packs, heating packs, over the counter pain meds, a light weight folding chair, and note pads with you. Offering these things to a PWC are very much akin to laying one’s coat across a puddle.

When you are out take a closer look at what appears to be road kill — it might be a PWC who’s out for a walk just having a bad day.

Never send flowers or anything with a scent as the PWC may be chemically sensitive. Dried flowers and silk flowers seem to work well. And just in case you forget, always carry some extra epinephrine.

If you like a PWC move in with the person right away because trying to make plans to get together always seems to get undermined by CFS flares. If you REALLY like a PWC it’s well worth your both having circadian rhythm studies or you may not see each other even if you decide to live together. The alternative is to only make plans for totally non-exertional dates — like cloud watching.

Many PWCs are often unable to drive so plan to pick your date up. Use of public handicapped transportation vehicles doesn’t go over well for a romantic date. Buy a second hand ambulance — they can be obtained relatively cheaply, the folding stretcher/chair is a great alternative if restaurant chairs seem to hit trigger points, and the oxygen is helpful if a PWC has neurally mediated hypotension. Oh, and ALWAYS carry a road atlas as a PWC may not remember how to get home after the exhilaration of a real date.

NEVER compare the severity of your symptoms with another PWC. PWCs become so sensitive to their symptoms being down played that their antennas will go up immediately and can become a health hazard to your eyes when locked in an embrace.

Always find out if a PWC has fibromyalgia trigger points and where they are before you attempt a hug or a pat. If a PWC tries hugging your legs he or she may not be weird, but rather just trying to avoid the trigger points. Or maybe he or she may just be unable to get up off the floor.

When dating PWCs remember, “sleeping together on the first date” DOES NOT necessarily mean sex — it often means sleeping. And speaking of sex, if a relationship gets that far be very sensitive about pacing yourself to the other person’s abilities and desires. While it’s not cool to ask, “how was it for you,” it’s even worse to ask, “how was it for me.”